These days

I don't know where I'm am. No, not literally. I mean, I don't know how and why I feel what I feel lately. This morning was the make-up for the U/S clinic, and everything seemed to be going okay. I woke up on time. I successfully made small talk with the few folks present that morning. I aced the quiz. However, I started to get uneasy in the exam room. Not because I didn't know what was going on, but that our instructor was uncertain and didn't know how to lead us (I found out later he missed his alarm and was running into the room mere minutes beforehand; he's probably 2 years older than me). Also, our group dynamic is slightly unusual. Mix in a bunch of introverts and shy folks and you get a lot of dead air and stares. Plus, the U/S was not functioning optimally.

As a result, when it was my turn, I was interrupted for our group to move into another exam room for better imaging. It was frazzling because I hadn't even put gel on the transducer, and I was expected to part with the group. I don't understand why I get so anxious in these situations and why it stays with me for hours, possibly to the end of the day.

Then, I found out a lot of my classmates are presenting a poster at Student Research Week. I don't know what it is, but I just got so upset with myself for not participating. Maybe because I haven't taken charge with our research. It's pretty much defunct due to a lack of participants for the survey. I also know that in the long run, this small accolade won't matter. Also, my group presented at a national convention last year, so we're essentially even in terms of what goes on the resident application. But it just makes me feel so behind, like I'm not progressing. I do know that what I don't need to do is put more things on my plate. That stresses me out, and I get sullen and contemplative about what the meaning of anything is anymore. Plus, I should be trying to study for this last unit exam, NBME, and CBSE. On top of that, Step.

Maybe I'm angry because I feel stagnant. I felt that in my first year I did well in terms of doing a little bit of everything. I did research, an internship, joined clubs, and volunteered. This year, I have a couple of officer positions, continued the research for a little bit, have a preceptorship, signed up for a couple of elective classes, and scaled down on the volunteering. This is stupid though, why does being successful come down to these little things? It doesn't, but why do I feel unsuccessful if I'm not stretching myself thin. I want to do more meaningful things. I want to find that reason that compels me to take challenges.

I'm not a very brave person, and I want to change that. You don't get very much success out of being comfortable. Perhaps though, I am uncomfortable with this idea of not taking all these offers. Uncomfortable with feeling left behind because I don't want to do what everyone else is doing. I know research is important, and I think I will like it once I find a project that I believe in and don't mind spending time on. Otherwise I would be getting a PhD, right?

Maybe it's my time to turn inward and ignore what everyone else is doing. So far, it's working well for me, but the few times I reconnect with the world again, I feel so out of place and outdated. I feel like everyone has an ivy league degree, has a hot new cutting-edge research project, or is done with their first Qbank. Jealousy, probably. But these things don't matter. What matters is how I feel and right now, I don't feel so great. Maybe a few more chapters will make me feel better for now.