Where am I?

I hit a wall this week in terms of my studying, mostly because I was anxious and fearful of what will happen if this next test doesn't meet my expectations.

It's a strange mindset when you're studying. You forget where you are in the universe, and your study room microcosm is all the reality you experience. I often forget that I need to break away from that little world that consists of my desk, laptop, and chair. Speaking to a friend on the phone is just enough to jolt me out of a few layers and reset my baseline.

It can be a difficult thought to swallow when you're facing an event that has two such extreme results. Pass, go on to next square -- clerkships. Fail, remediate and do damage control.

This entire semester I've been building up my confidence by excelling in coursework. How easily that shattered when I got back the results of CBSE II. How could I have improved so little?

I think back three weeks ago, and I feel more confident in my knowledge. Anatomy, physiology, pharmacology, microbiology, behavioral sciences, immunology. 1200+ questions. However, I keep wondering if it's enough. I am very happy that I postponed my board exam. I feel that in three more weeks, I can feel more assured. With the encouragement of SN, I devised a more detailed study schedule to coax my anxiety. How can you be anxious if you know you can reasonably cover the material? I think being at home will help as well. I will have my cat, and I will not have to worry about meals, which as silly as it may sound was giving me such grief.

I had one gag attack today, but I curbed it quick. I think it is getting better once I realized that I needed to up my caloric intake and replenish electrolytes.

Two years have passed, and I have two more years to go, granted if all goes to plan. Time moves swiftly, and hopefully soon I can think about where I will be. I keep fantasizing about Boston and Washington DC. How much I want an apartment to place my things. To finally throw paint on the walls. To walk around a city and soak in colonial history.

I want that so much, but I am here. Right now in West Texas in flux of meeting two major life goals.