Evaluating

I've been mulling about this all weekend - why S and I are no longer a couple.

That horrible moment of pause where your heart figuratively rips in half really actualizes in incredible pain. It must be all the adrenaline that shoots through you. I remember not being able to breathe as I was choking on tears and wanting to let out a guttural scream.

But then you pick yourself up. Piece by piece. Hour by hour. Then, day by day. You fill that hole in your heart and vacancy in your day by calling, probably annoying, friends. But you don't care. You need them, and as much as they want to help, they can only offer so much before you realize this is an individual process to go through. I never wish anyone to have to go through this, but unfortunately, many will.

I allowed myself to grieve and cry whenever I want to, but with this new week, I'm trying to challenge myself to be stronger. Letting go of former future plans was the hardest. I wrote them all down in my moleskine and folded the page to keep the ideas off my mind. I've been working on replacing them with new future plans and goals. It's been therapeutic so far, and I hope to keep it up. I still want to do residency away from Texas. NYC has always been the dream, but strangely, I had taken to Philadelphia in all those visits. It's a charming city and the medical history is so pervasive.

So far, I've been pretty excited about ob/gyn and psychiatry. Two very distinct specialties, but the only two that have really caught my interest. Surgery is too intense, and this GI preceptorship has been making me dread each monthly visit. EM is too chaotic with death on most souls. Family seems too general and boring. I used FREIDA, this database of residencies from AMA, and I found 86 potential programs in both specialties and cities. That's incredibly wild to know that there are that many options in such a limited geographic area.

Now, I can see where I've wronged S in this area. Because I am either too curious and perhaps a glutton for punishment, I looked up his top programs in his field and pored through the statistics. Most candidates take 6 years to finish the PhD program, and there are anywhere from 4-8 people accepted in a program. There's also significantly less programs in each city. In NYC, there were perhaps 10, and maybe half were in Manhattan. I can understand the due stress involved in pursuing this career path. It's not easy, and the time commitment is huge, especially if you'll be in your late 20s.

I understand more than ever why he can't move next year. Why take any uncalculated risk in your future when it's like this? I thought my future was like this, but the numbers don't lie. So yes, he had to take a break. He's conflicted. I would be to, and I'm sorry that I couldn't have been more supportive. I'm invested in myself, and he should do the same for himself. Because what is a couple without individual goals? So I can belabor the betrayal and resentment for him not wanting to try and wait any longer with the newer delayed plan, but I won't because circumstances are never fair.

The next part that I want to work through is when he dates again. Oh god, I am not ready for that yet.