As classes begin again, all I hear is the incessant chatter of about what one has done over winter break and overenthusiastic clamours of how it should have been longer. For some people, a longer break may be truly necessary.
I keep thinking about whether or not I should take a year off between 2nd and 3rd year. I am both physically and mentally exhausted. I kept pushing myself to go out these last two weeks to avoid moping around in bed, but perhaps I should have rethought that. I slept for 12 hrs last night, and I woke up at 9:30 am blissfully wrapped in my blankets, not wanting to emerge from the amniotic sac that I've created. I feel like a true introvert, needing to recharge my batteries alone because I've expended all my energy on faking that I am social and okay with being around humans. I mean, I do like being around humans, I just don't want to necessarily interact with them all the time.
But what would I do in my time off? I would have to move back to Houston, which is no easy feat considering that I am 10 hours away from home. I couldn't live by myself, which is what I truly would want because how else would I secure enough money? The only jobs I could probably procure is at Starbucks or some other fast food joint. I wouldn't want to immerse myself in medicine necessarily. I want a break from it right now or rather, I need a break to focus on myself. All the stress is from this constant grind in medicine. I'm happy that I'm in the field, but I feel that the time for myself is closing in on itself. I hadn't even thought about my own needs for the last year and a half.
I would want to travel, but I don't have the funds to do that. Really, I just wish I had the time to reflect when I need to. I don't want time constraints on when I need to feel better or when I need to suck it up.Yesterday and this morning, I felt sad and tired. I wanted to stay in bed and just be sad. I know that's okay as long as I don't do it for a month, but I can't because I have class in 3 hrs. I feel rushed to sort my feelings. I'm trying to take up writing them out whenever I can, but sometimes I don't feel like writing.
I've been in the mindset of how my body is physically purging as a mirror to what I want to do emotionally. I want to purge all these thoughts and anxieties out of my body because I can't internalize them anymore. These stresses are too big to handle that anymore. See the Holmes and Rahe stress scale. I definitely scored over 300.
Hopefully, I can try to keep to writing at least once a week or when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I can only imagine how tough it is Connie, but I (and your other friends)are here for you! I don't know how helpful this is but one of the doctors I follow on tumblr took a year off between 2nd and 3rd year and has no regrets about it. But even if you don't go down that route, I want to say that tough situations don't last forever! And I hope writing here gives you some comfort :)
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