I woke up an hour later than I would have liked, but I put down my phone to address my empty stomach. I already knew this was a bad sign. Whenever I feel my stomach is empty in the mornings, I know that I'm more prone to getting these emesis episodes. I watched this week's episode of The Mindy Project - "Mindy's Brother" and I was so excited to see that "stress barfing" is not some figurative ailment. Some writer must know of someone or experience it herself. I feel comforted in knowing that. I tried to find anything to put in my stomach to quell the gagging. "Pour a cup of juice. Grab the half-eaten granola bar out of your bag. Meanwhile, heat up some soup and get some crackers." My internal dialogue has been louder than it has before. I've been trying to remember how much I relied on it before I became a part of a "we."
It's been a struggle more so than usual to get S out of my thoughts. Lately, all I've been thinking is how much I want a second chance. I recognized on my own what was wrong, and I'm trying to get better. We wouldn't have much of a fighting chance at lasting if I didn't change these self-destructive habits. The anxieties are still there, but managing them is becoming a better process.
Yesterday was my turn to lead a discussion topic for small group. Mine was on cultural awareness and more specifically on implicit bias. I thought this was the perfect topic for me, but my nerves got in the way. I read the articles, made some notes and questions to ask, and thought I was prepared. What I have trouble the most with these discussions is how little control I have over how the conversation pans out. The professors like to dominate discussion, there are wide tangents made, and I feel like everyone isn't following my plan. That's to be expected though. Conversations aren't neat little packages. I understand that you listen and try to manipulate the conversation so that it stays to your track. However, when I did ask questions, it was as if no one understood me. There were crickets. No one had anything to say. I want to yell. Why am I looking bad? I'm the one who prepared.
I'm happy that I had a friend afterwards to discuss why it felt that way. I forgot that people don't read the articles. I forgot that people aren't always comfortable with being honest and that gets in the way of true discussion, especially on a topic concerning race. That's the whole point I was trying to make though. An implicit bias does not make you a racist, misogynist, or homophobe. However, when someone else made that connection after I made that statement, they were lauded with praise. "You hit the nail on the head!" I was angry and completely lost my confidence in leading discussion. How can you want to continue when you're not being heard?
But I feel a little better because I didn't fail. I didn't show up unprepared. Trying to motivate people to discuss a topic in a class that no one takes seriously is hard. It's okay to feel that way.
In regards to the last post on taking some time off after finishing The Defining Decade, I realized it wasn't the most sound idea. I'm running away from my problems and not confronting them head on. Plus, what kind of identity capital would I be receiving in the time off? Starbucks barista, as I've learned from the book, means nothing. I'm not used to taking time off when I need it, but it's proving to be more useful to calm down, watch an episode or read a chapter, then get back to work. There's enough time to do it all, especially when you're not spending it stressing.
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