It's always the middle of the night when I want to start waxing philosophy, especially of the fulfillment and happiness variety. There is no surprise when I say that medical school has been challenging. I have never studied so much and so hard. There are very few days that I can take it easy.
But what's been bothering me the most is that I'm rarely excited or happy for more than a few hours. I can ride off a wave of inspiration from a global lunch meeting on women's health in Africa, but then I'm overwhelmed and frustrated with the afternoon four hour lecture that I have yet to consume and should have already digested. There are no perfect grades anymore. The few times that I've honored (A's don't mean anything unless they're of the honor variety) an exam, I have had little time to relish in it. Already I am scrambling to access the next block's material. And if I do relax, I find myself hours and hours behind studying. I am average. Mediocre. Possibly below average in my cohort.
Outside of the medical world, I hear of people's success, and I want to congratulate them--sincere well-wishing thoughts. But there are those dark moments where I undermine their achievements and criticize even their new friendships because I am jealous that it appears to come effortlessly. I have avoided FB often because it upsets me. What this says about me probably isn't pleasant.
I feel like a monster, furious and destructive. I'll admit it has even bled into my relationship with my special man friend. S is always so happy to tell me about his classes and practicum, and it's almost visceral, my reaction, to quickly move him onto another topic. By comparison, I can only question if I entered the right field because there is such a lack of contentment.
No one wants to be a monster, and I am mortified that I can liken myself to Grendel, the John Gardener version. Geez, remember that awful book? Grendel was the disgusting and hateful beast from Beowulf. Apparently, Angelina Jolie played Grendel's mother in the movie version, but whatever. Unlike the original work, a glimpse into Grendel's psyche is provided. He lives in isolation and lonliness with his mom who is probably demented and is unable to provide any real companionship. As the only being of his kind, he has no one to relate to and feels the need to be understood or have some connection. Grendel has this complex relationship with the humans who hate and fear him. He feels that he is somehow related to humanity and despite his desire to eat them, he can be moved by them and their works.
Like Grendel, I've been pushing myself to confront these uncomfortable thoughts I've been having about myself and others. I probably won't be slain in a watery battle by a great Dane, but metaphorically, there's still room for that to occur. While it's still a work in progress, there is a great sense of relief in realizing that it's difficult to be honest with yourself. Perhaps, others aren't quite as honest with their happiness, and it may be a construct to avoid the Truth. Hopefully, I can wade through all this emotion and find myself in a better place because I know that I am at least better than Grendel.
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